It's Saturday, it's early, and he's sullen and withdrawn
She's wondering what injury from her has brought this on
When did she insult him? Has she done something wrong?
...and meanwhile he's wondering if there are family values left

Sometimes he gets so moody, he bottles it inside
Stifles up his feelings, it's a matter of his pride
She wishes he would open up and say what's on his mind
...and meanwhile he's wishing that NPR was off the air

  She's got half a mind to leave, she's got half a mind to grieve
  She's got half a mind to seethe, and he's got half a mind

Soon she hears the rumble, that comes from Air Force One
She knows he's working out all his frustrations on Iran
Should she go out and plead with him to tell her what's gone wrong?
...and meanwhile he's wishing that the damn regime would change itself

Now he's in the war room, pushing tensions to a boil
He knows if he confronts them it'll raise the price of oil
Why must he avoid her? Why can't he speak his mind?
...but the only thing that's on his mind is 
 ["I'm the decider" and "9/11" babble]

  [chorus]

      SportsCenter isn't on yet and I can't work remote controls;
      These pretzels taste like <choke and cough>
      Where did I leave the bomb codes?  I still can't have a beer
      ...Where's Osama anyway?

Now the decade's ending and his troubles have all passed
Whatever demons ate him up, he's worked it out at last
She pulls him to her tightly, now everything's ok
...and meanwhile he's wondering if there's any chance he could 
 still be baseball commissioner...